SAINTS ARE COMING
While they may be more adrift from safety than a drunken 18th-century sailor abandoned at sea in a leaky rowing-boat without any oars, Southampton still have one small and very significant sliver of dignity left to fight for. As we approach the run-in of a Premier League campaign where anything resembling jeopardy is at a premium, Ivan Juric’s side are clawing their way towards the holy grail that is Not Being As Terrible As 2007-08 Era Derby County. Managed at first by Billy Davies and then Paul Jewell, the Rams of that particular campaign were consigned to the Championship and the history books as the worst team in Premier League history, infamously acquiring just 11 points over the course of a season. And while it is probably unfair to single out the likes of Robbie Savage, Danny Mills and Kenny Miller for their roles in securing this unwanted record, a special shout-out should almost certainly go to pub-quiz staples, Newcastle United, the only team to get beaten by the worst top-flight rabble ever assembled.
Having already amassed 100% more wins than that Derby omnishambles and avoided the ignominy of being relegated before April, Southampton could perhaps argue they are not quite as bad but they still need two more points before they can book the celebratory open-top bus parade through Hampshire. And with eight games to go and an appointment with a distracted Dr Tottenham looming large, there is every chance the embarrassment of Derby’s class of 2008 will endure for at least another season. “Tonight I’m disappointed because we deserved to win the game,” sighed their grizzled boss Juric after being pegged back to a last-gasp 1-1 draw by Crystal Palace. “The guys must train and prepare for every game like we did today, then the points will arrive.”
While Saints’ record-threatening points tally is fairly jaw-dropping, the fact they remain seven points worse off than a Leicester City side who invariably look more haplessly terrible than them also seems remarkable. Ruud van Nistelrooy’s side haven’t so much battled against the drop as enveloped themselves in its warm embrace and have now lost seven top-flight games in a row without so much as scoring a goal. “We have to focus on game to game and presenting ourselves in the best possible way,” parped Ruud van Nistelrooy, as a panicked Wout Faes skittered past him like Bambi on ice, with his bushy barnet hanging in the breeze. “That is the main target now.”
Least worst of a bottom three who have acquired fewer points between them after 30 games than any trio of Premier League bottom-feeders in history, Ipswich at least gave themselves a puncher’s chance of staying up by consigning Bournemouth to another defeat and must now host the top flight’s only other relegation candidates on Saturday. Beat Wolves and Kieran McKenna’s side will close the gap to six points with seven games to go and who knows what could happen? Oh. Like everyone else, Football Daily has seen Ipswich defend and can hazard a pretty good guess, but we’re still daring to dream of some end-of-season denouement thrills.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
I can confirm that we have received one bid for 2031 and one valid bid for 2035. The 2031 bid is from the [USA USA USA] and potentially some other Concacaf nations. The 2035 bid is from Europe, from the home nations” – yes, as well as an in-no-way-problematic Women’s World Cup in tariff-land, the tournament is set to head for British shores four years later.
FOOTBALL DAILY LETTER
To expand on John Kozempel’s fine missive (yesterday’s Football Daily letters), the term ‘tailgating’ comes from dropping the back of a pickup truck or station wagon – the tailgate – in a stadium parking lot to create a flat, elevated surface for beverages, BBQ grills, etc. On a mildly political level, perhaps the ongoing tariff spat between the USA USA USA and Europe may lead to an increase in importing Euro-styled vehicles. I’ve never seen a BMW/Mercedes/Renault pickup truck before, but I’m certain they’ll develop creative party features – champagne chiller, paté slicer, bratwurst steamer – and take tailgating to the next level. Europe should send these over as soon as they’re available. By the way, you can keep Christian Pulisic in exchange” – Mike Wilner.
Send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s prizeless letter o’ the day winner is … Mike Wilner. Terms and conditions for our competitions, when we have them, can be viewed here.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
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NOT THE FACE!
Football Daily is delighted regrets to inform you that José Mourinho, famed for his humility and grace in defeat, is at it again. The Special One has famously cupped his ear, poked Barcelona assistant Tito Vilanova in the eye while Real Madrid manager and the now Fenerbahce boss has completed his facial hat-trick by grabbing the nose of Galatasaray’s Okan Buruk following his side’s 2-1 Turkish Cup defeat to their bitter rivals. “He pinched my nose from behind,” sighed Buruk, who like all modern players flopped impressively to the ground upon feeling the contact. “There was a slight scratch. Of course, it wasn’t a very nice or elegant thing to do. We expect managers to behave more appropriately in such situations. I won’t exaggerate this issue, but it wasn’t a classy move.” An impressive number of Turkish police standing nearby looked unmoved by the incident, although Galatasaray’s Social Media Disgraces admin and a suit, Metin Ozturk, were not so passive. “Mourinho first verbally and then physically attacked [Buruk] … where else in the world can he do this?” cried Ozturk, who must have spent the last two decades in a cave. “What does he think of Turkey? I believe that Fenerbahce’s management will impose the necessary sanction before the federation does.”
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Liverpool can taste that 20th league title after a 1-0 win over Everton in the Merseyside derby, noticeable mainly for some poor decisions, one of which – James Tarkowski’s bone-threatening follow-through on Alexis Mac Allister – PGMOL has admitted the officials got wrong.
Jack Grealish has paid tribute to his brother Keelan, scoring in Manchester City’s 2-0 victory against Leicester on the 25th anniversary of his passing. “This day is hard on the family but I was happy to score,” he said.
Sandro Tonali’s cross-shot goal – “70% a cross,” he tooted – means Newcastle are back in the top five and Brentford have travelled back south on the wrong end of a 2-1 scoreline.
Aston Villa are only two points adrift in seventh spot, their 3-0 triumph at Brighton leapfrogging them over the Seagulls – always an impressive feat.
After more than a decade without one, the Copa del Rey will have another clásico final.
A twanged hamstring means Arsenal defender Gabriel Magalhães is done until next season.
And finally, the phrase “going to pieces in the box” has taken on a different resonance this week, with a mass grave, dating to the first-century Roman empire, found under a football pitch in Vienna.
MOVING THE GOALPOSTS
Our sister email is now delivered to your inbox every Tuesday and Thursday – sign up here – and if you’d like a taster, how about this? Tom Garry’s exclusive chinwag with England and PSG keeper Mary Earps.
STILL WANT MORE?
Eve De Haan was assaulted when going to a game at Spurs, and the fan responsible escaped charges; now the club are hosting a Chris Brown concert. She explains how all this makes her feel.
No, it’s not exciting, but yes, Liverpool will be worthy champions, writes Barney Ronay.
“The most reliable way of rattling him is to disrespect those A-League titles, those AFC championships, his fair‑dinkum schtick. It strikes at his greatest insecurity: the fear of being once again a low-status outsider in a big, frightening world.” Jonathan Liew shares some thoughts on Ange Postecoglou.
“Inspiring girls and boys in Scotland … Young boys seeing women playing football and the Scotland national team doing well, just to normalise that a bit, because Scotland has probably been a little bit behind other countries in that way. We do take that responsibility seriously.” Caroline Weir gets her chat on with Tom Garry.
Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain is a new man under a new Besiktas manager. Could it be that Ole Gunnar Solskjær knows about football than we do, after all? Michael Butler reports.
And we must tip our cap to snapper Tom Jenkins, who has been named Sports Photographer of the Year at the Picture Editors’ Guild awards. Here are a few of his best images over the last 12 months.
MEMORY LANE
Four days after shocking the world to beat Liverpool’s Culture Club in the 1988 FA Cup final, the Crazy Gang gather at Plough Lane for Alan Cork’s testimonial, honouring the Wimbledon legend in the only way they know how, with the most touching of tributes.
